Peonitentia
by themalfoypuppet
Summary: Severus Snape watches her every day. People say he's a creep, unhinged. Maybe he is. But that's not what this story is about. It's about regret.


_Severus Snape watches her every day. People say he's a creep, unhinged. Maybe he is. But that's not what this story is about. It's about regret._

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><p>Severus watched Lily from afar, as he had hiding in the bushes in his pre-Hogwarts days, when she trusted him and wanted to hear things from only him. Not from her silly friends and Potter. The days when he thought he's found something that wouldn't go away, something he'd have forever. He supposed it was he own fault but he couldn't help the bubbling rage as he watched Potter saunter towards her. If James Potter never came to this school maybe he wouldn't have been so mad and not called Lily a mudblood. Couldn't she understand she was different?<p>

His friends laughed at him as he watched Lily from the Slytherin table, they told him to get over the "silly little mudblood". That was the first time he had ever thrown a punch at someone. It didn't make him feel better watching Regulus' nose crunch under his fist and then receiving a hex in the face. The laughter from the Gryffindor table made him swell with hatred; he threw one glare at Potter before being escorted out of the hall.

Severus remembered being so excited for Hogwarts, and not because it would take him away from his parent's hatred but he was going to have the time of his life with little Lily Evans in Slytherin house. Never in his wildest dreams did he think Lily would end up in Gryffindor house, Ravenclaw maybe… His dreams were shattered as he realised that _of course _sweet Lily would end up in the house of nobility and bravery. He should have seen it when she turned on him for hurting her sister even though Petunia had been awful to her. His heart lightened as he saw her turn her back on grinning Sirius Black.

He didn't even think Lily would ever imagine she would end up where she is now, basking in the sun with the Marauders as they called themselves, Potter's arm wrapped around her waist and her head leaning on his shoulder. Potter leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead and Severus felt his heart ache. He couldn't exactly pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with, one day she came up to him with that bright smile and it was like being hit over the head with a bludger. But there was no chance for them now, or ever really.

He knew her off by heart, the way her red hair waved in the wind, how her green eyes sparkled. The only time he'd seen them dull is when he'd called her a 'mudblood'. He longed to be able to play with her dainty fingers as Potter was now; he wished to be able to kiss her rosy lips for even a second. He longed with all his heart and body to be able to have a fraction of what they used to have rather than this cold, bitter emptiness.

He had tried apologising but she refused to listen and thus he took it as a personal insult, claiming he didn't need her. He had better friends than her. But he was lying, the most untrue to pass through his lips was those words. And he hated himself more than anything for it, he could see the pain cross through her eyes and he knew from that second they could never have anything between them ever again. He had permanatly cut all ties between them.

She was the reason his heart kept pounding during those horrible days when he thought his parent's yelling wouldn't cease, he would find her in their playground, and she would comfort him, cheer him up with stories of her parent's travels. And it was all gone now.

Severus believed he was the first to find out about Lily and Potter's relationship, he caught those locking lips in the Charms classroom. After that he had had shut himself in the library working on his potion books, pretending that he was really the Half-Blood Prince. The cool Slytherin who got his girl, the Prince who Potter was not match against.

He looked up and saw that Lily and Potter were caught up in a passionate snog; Severus felt like gagging and could see he was not alone as Black shoved the couple. Lily pulled away laughing, a grin he'd never seen on her before. She was so happy. She caught sight of Severus and her expression darkened until Black elbowed her, a cocky grin on his face, she laughed.

His felt his stomach drop like a stone, he really had lost her.

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><p>"News," Severus said, picking up the Daily Prophet from outside his house. He looked around at the houses, decorated with Halloween creatures like ghosts and green '<em>witches<em>' with dark cats. He was glad Halloween was over; these mocking decorations would be gone soon. He grunted at the misty street and walked back into the house.

He sat down on his chair and unrolled the paper. His heart stopped as he saw the front page. "No…" he choked out. He knew ever since he'd told the Dark Lord about the prophecy that this day might come, but he never really… the thought never sunk in that she might ever… leave. And it was his entire fault. If he had never listened in he would've never told You-Know-Who about the prophecy and he would've never gone after the Potters.

And he finally let his emotions show. He threw the paper away and cried. He was not ashamed to cry for her, to cry for Lily. Every moment he had her he had taken her for granted, and when he lost her he did not try hard enough to get her back and now she was gone forever. He would never be able to really say sorry, for everything he had done.

Severus knew immediately that he would never regret anything more than letting go of her.

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><p><strong>Yes this is short but it's all I wanted to put into this.<strong>


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